How to get through security without being an idiot
Nobody trusts you. Get used to it.
- Don't try and fight the system, you will just make things worse for yourself and everyone around you.
- Be nice to TSA and they will be nice to you. Remember, they have to deal with idiots like you all day.
- Wear a shirt with a pocket. Keep your boarding pass in it at all times.
- Your COSTCO card is not photo identification.
- That big archway is a magnetometer. This is a special kind of METAL DETECTOR. Anything you weren't born with will set it off.
- Are you carrying anything man-made ? Good, then take it off and put it in the damn x-ray.
- That includes your watch, you dumbass.
- Your shoes are made from explosives. Take them off and stop bitching about it.
- No, your laptop is not special, it must be x-rayed separately.
- Your phone is made from metal, trust me on this, put in in the damn x-ray.
- Never try and hold up the line, for any reason. Step to one side and finish your phone call.
- Your coat can hide a weapon. Take it off and put it in the x-ray.
- Don't try and be neat. Just shove your crap in the bins and keep the line moving.
- Your jewelry is made from metal. It goes through the x-ray. If you think it's too valuable, you should have left it at home.
- A gift, that 'someone else' gave you, to take on the plane ? That's a bomb. It will get x-rayed, twice.
- Don't block the x-ray. Load your stuff at the beginning of the table and unload at the end of the table. Don't block the line waiting for your crap, it isn't going anywhere else.
- It's a METAL belt buckle. What part of the word "metal-detector", don't you understand ?
- Never travel with pets or children. Fluffy is made from explosive, she will have to be x-rayed.
- Don't put your shoes on as soon as you get them, there are seats in the corner for that.
- If your ticket has "SSSS" in the bottom corner turn around, go home and start planning your next trip.
Comply, obey, behave.
