Put down the bag, Lady.

The Roll-Aboard.

OK, I've tried by best, I've sucked it up, I said I wouldn't do it, but
I've cracked. I really need to vent about hand luggage.

Flying standby finally did it. I was one of the last on the plane and had
do to the walk of the homeless as I tried to find somewhere, anywhere to
stash my one carry-on.

Boarding a plane late sucks. There is a reason the frequent flyers get to
board first and it isn't for the free drinks. Airlines can make rules all
they want but by the time that tin can is 50% full all the overheads are
overfilled with oversized oversuffed roll-aboards packed in a completely
inefficient way.

And this is what really irks me - I don't honestly believe that all these
people are flying for the first time. Some of them must know that their
bag doesn't fit but still they continue to bang and push and twist and
hammer and generally act in denial about what they are doing. I actually
had to sit there and watch while a flight attendant repeatedly asked "Who
owns this ?" while everyone pretended not to notice a roll-aboard the size
of a small coffin sticking out of the overhead. Sisyphus (he was the dude
with the rock) had it easy.

So I admit it, I'm a bastard when it comes to the carry-on. I'm a baggage
Nazi and proud of it. I have one carry-on. It fits over my shoulder, it
will take my laptop and is designed to fit in both 'the overhead bin' and
'underneath the seat in front of me'.

I'm also numb to the excuses of "I need all this stuff" or "It's the only
thing that holds my laptop" blah blah blah. It's all bullshit. If I can
fit a weeks worth of stuff in one bag, then everyone can. If you have
more crap than that, check the bag, sit down and shut up.

These days I just deal. I don't complain, I don't get all huffy. I know
my bag will fit under the seat, but that doesn't mean all those other
selfish bastards get to hog the overhead. I will move things around,
rearrange bags and do the unthinkable of actually rotating a roll-aboard
90 degrees so it takes less room.

Thus, being reminded again about how dumb people are, I found myself at
the back of the plane dealing with a square peg and a round hole. I had
just cleared enough space for a few more bags and was about to sit down
when it happened.

'She' came down the aisle.

She had the apprehensive look that can only spell trouble and baggage to
match. She turned at me like I'm someone who might care and said those
drop dead words :

"I Hope there is still room for this."

I looked down to see that she was lugging not just a full sized
roll-aboard but also a big honking backpack. Inside my head the voices
were screaming "WHAT PART OF THE PHRASE 'ONE PIECE OF CARRY-ON' DON'T YOU
UNDERSTAND!". But I held my tongue and took the passive aggressive
approach. I just stood there and let her deal with the problem herself.
As she struggled to lift the behemoth I noticed that it had 'HEAVY' tag on
it.

She tried for a whole 3 seconds before turning to me like I was the
hotel porter.

"I'm sorry I can't lift it"

Justice. I'm thinking of all the ways she will be punished in what I hope
is the special part of hell they reserve for these people when I harp on
an idea. I grab the bag and just shove it in the overhead. Not only will
she go away, but she will now have to endure the pain of getting it out
again and I get to be a smug bastard.

I turn to her and, fighting the urge to say something very rude, simply
say :

"You really need to get some smaller hand luggage."