The ship that shagged me

At this point in time I would request that you don't ask how
it happened. I don't know.

Friday afternoon I was contemplating an eggplant foccacia and by lunchtime
Saturday I had checked in for 5 days hard labour and was contemplating
suicide.

I had signed on as a waiter, Sydney to Fremantle. Good money, huge tips,
excellent experience and street cred. 'You should do it', they said. I
should have trusted my first instincts and told them to get stuffed, but
no, I had had to say yes.

It was broken to us gently (of course). We were shown into the boardroom,
filled out forms etc, allowed to smoke, relax, get numb. Then we were
shown around the facilities. The two dining rooms that sat 500 each (this
was where we were to work).

We were shown the other more lucrative Princess and Queen's Grills, for
the full fare paying passengers. The penthouse suites, with direct access
to the Queen's grill so the folk never have to mix with the other
passengers. The casino (one day someone will explain to me how a roulette
wheel works on a ship), the bars, the theatre, TV studio, bank, night
club, gym, sauna, spas, pools, Harrods... I was just endless.

Then we were led to the staff quarters.

'Through here' our guide said, He opened a solid steel door and the carpet
stopped, the wallpaper stopped, the ceiling stopped, everything that was
not needed for ultimate survival had been removed, you know, chairs,
tables, windows. There were just Bare steel walls and bare steel floors.

On the back of the door were 2 signs:

Please wipe you feet before
entering passenger accommodation

and:

Please keep this door closed
to avoid the smell
entering passenger accommodation.

Our guide also chose this point to remind us that under no
circumstances were we allowed in passenger areas, except when
on duty

"Full facilities are available in the crew area", He said

Yeah, right. We had access to all the mod-cons including a crew mess and
a bar. The bar was, of course, showing all the signs of having never
been cleaned since the maiden voyage. Wood benches, linoleum on
the floor, complete with cigarette burns, and no windows. It was also the
most popular room on the ship because it supported the most popular
pastime : Getting Drunk.

'Fine' we said, 'OK' we said, 'we can handle this..'

Offshore employment, tax free, food and lodging included, duty free bar
prices, beer at 60c a can. Sure everything's in US dollars, but we can
handle that, our wages will cover us right?

Nope.

Apparently, we got the good deal. Apparently.

We were going to be paid $20 a day and, since we were on for such a short
time, another $38/day in assumed gratuity. The normal wage, we found out
later, was about $12 per day.

We, were of course, welcome to any tips we could make in the restaurant.
But, and the whole reason I was here in the first place, The bulk of the
guests were locals from Sydney who were jumping on the opportunity to
ride the great beauty on one of her first trips around the Antipodes.

The problem here is that on the QEII all meals are included so,
knowing myself and any other full blooded tight arsed Australian,
if I'd just forked over $1800 for 5 days 'First Class' travel only to
find that my cabin is two feet above the waterline, I'm stuck on
the one table in the dining room for the whole trip, and it's 50
feet from the nearest window, with nothing to do all day
but sit eat drink and read, I'd be bloody glad I didn't have to pay
for dinner (if you could call it that)

In fact I'd probably be pissed off at paying $25 for
a bottle of nasty white burgundy and buggered if I was going to leave a tip.

On a transatlantic crossing you can earn over $2000 in 5 days, But you are
also mostly dealing with Americans who 'respect your right to smoke', but
not your right to do it at your leisure. Those are the sort of people who
would tip you if you don't cough in their direction. Two Grand - easy.
But on the Australian leg of a world tour - Buckleys.

Poor, Tired and Starving, we made the best of our days.

I'll tell you more later.