How to be a good waiter

This was prompted by the musings that I occasionally read over at the
waiterrant (http://waiterrant.net/). and the fact that I've spent far too much
time in restaurants. This has made me a) A critical SoB, because I want good
service, and b) Self-righteous about it, since I can claim the whole 'Been
there, done that, paid off my education working tables for many years' angle.

So, If you think you know the industry, sit down and take notes.

Write it down.

You aren't a savant and we will have changes. I don't care if you think
you can remember three courses for three people, you also have a lot of
other crap on your mind (Did you check out the dress that girl was
wearing?) and you are going to forget something. (Did I mention I have
allergies ?). Get a pad, Get lots of pens and write it down.

Don't run away when asked a question.

We haven't got all day, and nothing is more annoying than having the
server disappear half way through the ordering to 'Ask the chef'. It also
doesn't sell your ability to remember our orders if you can't retain a
single question for three minutes. Write down the question, and move on
to the next customer.

Know who ordered what.

If you even dare come over here and ask "Who has the fish ?" I'm
sending the whole order back. Number the seats, clockwise, from the seat
closest to the kitchen. Write down the order and the seat number. (Did I
mention that you should write things down).

Learn the menu.

If I ask for a recommendation, be able to suggest something. Work out
what goes with what. When in doubt lie, If I knew what I wanted, I
wouldn't have asked you.

Don't suggest big meals.

Look at your customers and think about how much they can eat. If they
have room for dessert, they may actually order it. If you just stuffed
them with pasta, they'll have a small coffee, a small bill, and leave
before they pass out.

Make eye contact.

You don't want to be the waiter who walks around with their head up their
arse, There are customers who want your attention. They are easy to find,
they will be looking at you.

Learn to open a bottle of wine

Plunging the sharp end through the foil and battling for 10 minutes to get
the damn thing to give up the goods doesn't paint a picture of
professionalism. Get a good Waiters Friend, an empty bottle, a pile of
old corks and practice. Better yet, buy some of the wine that is on the
list, invite some friends over and get loaded actually tasting the stuff.

Don't bring my next course before I'm ready

This has so many problems. A) I'm here to enjoy my meal, not feel like I'm
being rushed through the experience, and B) Where do you think you're
going to put the dish ? There is already a plate in front of me, and I'm
using it.

Here's a Tip : No-one takes more than 15 minutes to eat a course. Even
with breaks it is possible to serve a 3 course meal in 45 minutes. (Trust
me, I've worked pre-show diners where we had to). Just get your timing
right.

There is no such thing as a Well-Done Steak.

Get the customer to describe how they want their meat ruined, let them
pick from the words: Rare , Medium-rare , Medium, and Not-pink. You can
always apologise later and get the meat cooked a bit longer.

The couple in the corner want to have sex

Do not take forever to bring them the bill. They do not want to be left
alone any longer. This is turning out to be a hot date, They have had
good food and wine, and if they can get home and get their clothes off
before they lose momentum they will tip you big time.

And Finally:

Bring all entrees at the same time.

Bring all starters at the same time.

Don't piss off the chef

Don't fuck up the order

Don't be late for your shift