Eating with the Locals

In my endless search to find a decent hotel room in a decent part of
town, I've made astute use of online restaurant reviews to try and get a
feel for the area.

Everyone has their own opinion and the gauge swings wildly. But you can
always tell, and know to ignore, any review by an American of a European
restaurant.

"...service was terrible, we had to wait 30 minutes for our drinks..."

Well, firstly, In some parts of the world people consider a meal to be a
social event that is to be enjoyed, instead of a personal curse that you
must get over with a quickly as possible. You are meant to take the time
to chat with friends and family and discuss the events of the day. What
you don't want is a waiter hovering over you learning about your personal
life.

Secondly, I often wonder if all the bad service is really just a clever
plan to annoy Americans.

"Our service is slow, but it keeps the Yankees away."

Thinking about this, I thought it was worth making a list of the many
other ways Europeans can make Americans feel out of place :


Drink alcohol at any hour of the day or night.

No, they are not alcoholics, they are just social. Contrary to popular
belief it is not crime to have a beer at lunch, you are allowed to order a
bottle of wine for yourself and, as you are not going to eat until 9pm,
you can have a Martini on the way home from work. But don't confuse this
with an excuse to do endless tequila shots or drink a 5th of Jack, Spring
break is so 'last year'.

Smoke everywhere.

It won't matter where you sit, or what you do or say. You can even try
and ask for a table in the non-smoking section. All you have to do is
wait about five minutes and then two people will turn up, sit right next
to you and start chain smoking. Eventually they actually bother to find
an ashtray. After you leave, they will go back to the bar and wait for
their next mission.

Not make you wait for your table.

Nope, no waiting here. They will take one look at those plaid pants
you're sporting and put you at the rickety table behind the pot plant near
the toilets, the one that is used for the staff meals. Go on, just try
and ask for 'that one by the window, when it is free'. Get back to me
when they stop laughing at you.

Foreign language menus.

If you can hold you liquor and beat a path through the smoke to the table,
the floor staff will stall you by giving you the menu in the local
language. Don't try and bluff them, they know you can't read it, that
camera bag was a dead giveaway. You can ask for the English version, but
the prices will be different.

Speak a foreign language.

You may have faked your way past the menu but they will then ambush you
by sending every bus boy, trainee waiter and the hostess past to ask you
a different question in a different accent. If you're adventurous just say
'no' to everything. You may end up there sitting there for a while and
your fish won't have any sides, but you won't ever see the bill.

Speak French.

This deserves a special mention because it annoys just about everyone.

Staff who actually have a clue about the menu.

In some of these places the same staff have been working here all their
lives. (They have to, Mum owns the place). So don't try and be clever
and ask them if they know how the duck is prepared. Not only will they
tell you, but they will also entertain you with a long and arduous story
about how it was raised and exactly which side of the valley the carrots
came from.

Detailed and incomprehensible wine lists.

Think you know what a Chardonnay is ? think again.

Expensive prices.

All that truffle oil and a a wine list thats puts just about any liquor
store to shame can only be attained through a carefully crafted art of
manipulating exchange rates, fleecing tourists and outrageous percentages.
It really won't help the experience if you convert the price of that steak
into dollars, just ask for another bottle and enjoy the ride.

No substitutions.

You don't want what's on the menu ? Try the place next door.

The only thing you should ever deep fry is bits of potato.

The Calamari is not undercooked. Yes, those are raw onions, and that is what
real Brie looks like.

Call 'fries', 'Frites'.

'Creme Fraiche', 'Moules', 'Au Gratin', they have a polite name for just
about everything, don't even think of asking for 'plain bread'.

'Sandoux' means lard.

It may sound exotic, but should you actually interrogate your server
about the interesting eel dish, don't be surprised when he says :

"It is, er, how you say, pork fat ?'

Not be fat.

Yes, the menu may be a minefield of butter, cream, starches, carbs and
Sandoux, and every table may be polishing of bottles of Bordeaux, but the
locals have this disgusting tendency to look mostly fit and healthy.
That's when happens when you are forced to walk to the railway station
twice a day and use the stairs. Bastards aren't they ?

Use the metric system.

Do you know how much 70cc is ?

Serve an entree the way it was meant to be served.

It is a 'Starter'. Your actual meal won't be here for another hour. It
is thus meant to be a small simple thing that doesn't require too much of
your attention so you can still talk, line your stomach against the next
bottle of red wine, and not die of hunger.

Cheese.

It's for desert, can you deal with that ?

Hide the bathroom.

Did you make it through the meal ? Did you just have too much wine ?
Well you had better be prepared ask. The bathroom is usually upstairs
behind an unmarked door and it is a 'unisex toilet'. Take note of those
two words. Unisex means that people aren't afraid to see a bloke whip out
the tackle and water a wall, and you don't have separate bathrooms at
home, so why should it be any different here ? Also, they aren't afraid
to call it a toilet.

Hide the restaurant.

So, you think you can handle everything they can throw at you ? Do you
honestly think you can pass yourself off as a local ? Well you stil have
to find the place. Bad directions from the concierge and lack of street
signs are only part of it. These places are hidden down alleys, above hat
shops or behind an unmarked door below street level. You won't find any
neon signs saying 'Drink Bud' here.

If you really want to eat, here's what you do.

Walk down the street until you find the first menu that looks interesting.
Present yourself to the waiter and everyone else inside and, in your
loudest and clearest english say the following :

"Your Restaurant looks wonderful. I want the finest your chef has to
offer and I have lots of money"

You'll be just fine.