Leave Northern California Before You Get Soft

For a brief moment I'm actually back in my home town, where, like anywhere else, I had to deal with the usual debacle of the airport shuttle and finding somewhere to eat.

Tonight, for some cruel and unusual reason, I was stuck with a bunch of guys who were just so clueless it was actually surprising. They were returning from some sort of Astrophysics seminar and I should have recognised the smell of 'Absent Minded Professor' much sooner and just waited for the next ride.

We were somewhere close to this guys destination when he suddenly realised what was happening and just blurted out,

"Hey, take this intersection, here, the one you just passed,
that's my turn! Sorry, I wasn't paying attention..."

He then proceed to navigate us the rest of the way by saying things like "I think it is around here somewhere..." and giving instructions a few seconds too late to actually make any use of them. And this guy was giving directions to his house.

I've never met an astrophysicist who knew which way was North.

Suitably frustrated and still in need of a feed. I did what I normally do anywhere else. I heades for the local bar and spent time chatting with the staff while watching the world go by.

I ended up at a Cuban/South American watering hole that actually had a kitchen open after 9pm, and was settling into some late night tapas when the band arrived. I asked Renaldo, the waiter, about tonight's entertainment and he said,

"Well, He's a flamenco guitarist, that tall guy with the pony tail, he's really good"

'Ponytail', eh ? That set off my alarm bells.

Fortunately, He didn't wear the pony tail. Instead he let his hair out and was sporting the requisite goatee and scruffy shoes that just had 'Hippy Street Performer' written all over him. (If you ever saw the movie "Real Genius" He looked just like Laslo) He had also brought with him half of the West African Hand Drum Ensemble and proceed to play songs with drum solos that ran way too long.

To make things even worse, he also added some guy blowing his nut on the jazz flute ( I wish I'd had my camera ), occasionally swapped out the guitar for a 5 string bass to 'accompany' the rhythm guitarist, oh, and there was some 50 year-old in a tie-dye skirt shaking her booty to the whole thing. It was like some time-warp back to the Montreaux Festival. It was so bizzare it was actually interesting.

So I just kept drinking Mojitos.

Later on that night I got to meet the booty shaker, who, like everyone else in Nor-Cal, turned out to be a graphic designer by day, Multi-Dimensional Channeler by night and went by the name of "The Rev. Roxanne"

Welcome Home.

How to get through security without being an idiot

Nobody trusts you. Get used to it.

• Don't try and fight the system, you will just make things worse for yourself and everyone around you.
  
  
• Be nice to TSA and they will be nice to you. Remember, they have to deal with idiots like you all day.
  
  
• Wear a shirt with a pocket. Keep your boarding pass in it at all times.
  
  
• Your COSTCO card is not photo identification.
  
  
• That big archway is a magnetometer. This is a special kind of METAL DETECTOR. Anything you weren't born with will set it off.
  
  
• Are you carrying anything man-made ? Good, then take it off and put it in the damn x-ray.
  
  
• That includes your watch, you dumbass.
  
  
• Your shoes are made from explosives. Take them off and stop bitching about it.
  
  
• No, your laptop is not special, it must be x-rayed separately.
  
  
• Your phone is made from metal, trust me on this, put in in the damn x-ray.
  
  
• Never try and hold up the line, for any reason. Step to one side and finish your phone call.
  
  
• Your coat can hide a weapon. Take it off and put it in the x-ray.
  
  
• Don't try and be neat. Just shove your crap in the bins and keep the line moving.
  
  
• Your jewelry is made from metal. It goes through the x-ray. If you think it's too valuable, you should have left it at home.
  
  
• A gift, that 'someone else' gave you, to take on the plane ? That's a bomb. It will get x-rayed, twice.
  
  
• Don't block the x-ray. Load your stuff at the beginning of the table and unload at the end of the table. Don't block the line waiting for your crap, it isn't going anywhere else.
  
  
• It's a METAL belt buckle. What part of the word "metal-detector", don't you understand ?
  
  
• Never travel with pets or children. Fluffy is made from explosive, she will have to be x-rayed.
  
  
• Don't put your shoes on as soon as you get them, there are seats in the corner for that.
  
  
• If your ticket has "SSSS" in the bottom corner turn around, go home and start planning your next trip.

Comply, obey, behave.

Off, in, out

The security line

It should be so simple. Actually, it is simple.

You just do what everyone else does. Pay attention to all the signs,
remove ALL metallic objects, and step through the portal.

So I don't understand why this is so painfully difficult. Every time I'm
stuck in line I'm always behind some yahoo who just exceptionally clueless
about the process. They always seem to have one more bag ( I know, don't
go there ) to dump on the conveyor. Or they take forever to remove their
shoes, or they have 4 kids in tow, or, and this is my favorite, they seem
to think that their metal is different to everyone else's :

"No, sir, please remove ALL metallic objects."

"What ? This Rolex as well ?"

"Yes, sir, and the gold chains, that large bracelet and I would suggest
removing your large belt buckle as well "

BEEEEEEEEEP !!!

"Sir, do you have a mobile phone in your pocket ?"

"Yes. Why do you ask ? ... "

Clueless

What surprises me is just how many of these sort of people there are. It
is quite enlightening to realise that there are so many people out there
that have just never been on a plane before. The whole process is new to
them. These are probably the same people who don't think you need a
passport to go to Europe. I would have thought that with the number of
flights per day we would have cycled through the population at least twice
by now. But I guess not.

My mother was in town a few months ago and I almost entertained the idea
of taking her on a few trips with me, go to Manhattan for the weekend,
that sort of thing. But when I noticed all the jewelry she wears and
thought about her dealing with security, I realised would have killed her
before she got to the metal detector.

Every now and again I get there at the magic hour when there are nothing
but business travelers in the line and for once it is a well oiled machine.
We aren't scared, we know how the system works and we don't try and fight
it. Pockets are emptied, laptops come out, jackets and shoes are removed.
We are in and out in seconds.

Of course, on my first flight of the new year I went through the metal
detector with my phone still in my pocket.